Swann twitter feed flying under ECB radar?

So Graeme Smith has assured Ntini of his starting place in Durban, which is a surprise for me, but then again, politics may have played a part.

The good news for England is that the dry conditions of the Highveld are to be replaced by the humidity of the coast at Durban. Apparently there’ll be a lot of swing so we may be in for Jimmy A’s one mandatory unplayable spell for the series. So despite yesterday’s rant, things might not be too bad for England.

Separately, Swann has had me in stitches since England arrived in SA. The man is a legend.

Anyone not following Swann’s twitter feed should be shot. Quite how the ECB let him get away with this is beyond me, especially after the recent Phil Huges twitter fiasco. For example recent entries included:

• “have just had a lovely room date with cookie. we ate steak and watched bear grylls. he’d be my ideal man, if i kicked with the other foot“
• “i’ve learnt to count to ten in japanese. ichi ni san shi go loku shichi hachi ku jyu. and my teachers said i’d amount to nothing. Ha!”
• “other things i know about japan have come from the sixth form video pirate. they include glass tables and ‘chocolate surprises’.”

Inspired.

Also check out outtakes from a recent TV interview below:

Get ready for 3 nil

Autoposy time after 100 tests for wide of the crease kingpin Ntini.

Ntini!!!

England have not yet lost the series but they will. They simply don’t have the guns with bat or ball to win the series. We are buggered and we may as well accept it.

Spirits raised by defiant last wicket stand between Colly and Bunny?…Tosh! Spirits flattened by incompetence of middle order, impotence of strike bowlers more like.

But unfortunately, there is only one way or England to go in the Boxing Day test in Durban. A muppet would say that changes are needed, time to tear up the middle order, re-jig the bowling line-up, send Broad back to finish his GCSEs and Bell back to complete Hobbit training. Nonsense! There is no point changing. We are screwed whatever.

Bell is what he is. He will never be anything that he has not been already. Whilst I hate the man, England, if they assist on picking him for the first, must stick with him for the second, third and fourth.

There were no glaring weaknesses in the seam attack that weren’t apparent before the first test. Broad was what Broad is; namely 90% of the time bowling like a retard,yet every 37th ball he’s does something that seems “intelligent” and leads Nas or Both to announce that he is “learning all the time” or some such nonsence. Onions continues to be England’s only bowler showing any sign of being consistently ok, rather that osscilating between shite and promising (Broad) or shite and unplayable (Anderson).

So I would stick with the three of them. And be done with it. Damn it.

And on the batting front, no need to tinker. Shit Steyn looks like he is still crock and England really should not be concerned by:

a) Freed all the vets

b) Worn a snorkel

c) My car is a lamborgini

As an aside, Friedal De Wet looks like an annoying toe-rag. Highly punchable I would say and on a par with Steyn for punchability. I feel we may not see the last of his annoying features and rubbish celebrations. If that is the case then we may have seen the end of Ntini.

Santa’s sledge

Foul mouthed cricketers extend beyond the off microphone mutterings of Boycott in the commentary box. In fact, x-rated sledging on the field has been part of the game for many years.

Its 1 December today and the start of advent. So here are Santa’s top sledges of all time courtesy of David Floyd via Andrew Bryson. Thanks chaps!

1. Rod Marsh & Ian Botham:
   When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words:  
   “So how’s your wife & my kids?”  the reply from Botham was “my wife’s fine, your kids are retarded”.
2. Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:
   As Cullinan was on  his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him.
   “Looks like you spent it eating,” Cullinan retorted.
3. Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes):
   “Hey Eddo, why are you so f***ing fat?”
   Eddo Brandes: “Because every time I f*** your mother, she throws me a biscuit.”
4. Robin Smith & Merv Hughes:
   During 1989 Lords Test, Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed: “You can’t f**king bat.”
   Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: “Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can’t f**king bat & you can’t f**king bowl.”
5. Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad:
   During 1991 Adelaide  Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor.
   A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed. “Tickets please,” Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.
6. Merv Hughes & Viv Richards:
   During a test match in  the West Indies, Hughes didn’t say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries.  
   “This is my island, my culture. Don’t you be staring  at me. In my culture we just bowl.”
   Merv didn’t reply, but after he  dismissed him he announced to the batsman: “In my culture we just say f**k  off.”
7. Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga:
   And of course you can’t forget Ian Healy’s legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one-dayer in Sydney: “You don’t get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!”
8. James Ormond & Mark Waugh
   Ormand had just come out to bat on an Ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh.
   Mark Waugh: “F*ck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There’s no way you’re good enough to play for England.”
   James Ormond: “Maybe not, but at least I’m the best player in my family.”
9. Glenn McGrath & Ramnaresh Sarwan
   McGrath to Sarwan: “So what does Brian Lara’s d*ck taste like?”
   Sarwan: “I don’t know. Ask your wife.”
   McGrath (losing it): “If you ever f**king mention my wife again, I’ll f***ing rip your f***ing throat out!”
10. Mark Waugh & Adam Parore
    Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Parore) comes to the crease playing & missing the first ball.
    Mark: “Oh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were sh*t then, you’re fu*king useless now.”
    Parore (turning around): “Yeah, that’s me. And when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly slut.
    And now I hear you’ve married her, you dumb c*nt!”
11. Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga
    Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim.
    Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, “Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it.”
12. Ravi Shastri vs the Aussie 12th man (don’t remember who, and don’t want to slander anyone)
    Shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a single.
    This guy gets the ball in and says, “If you leave the crease I’ll break your f***ing head.”
    Shastri: “If you could bat as well as  you can talk you wouldn’t be the f***ing 12th man.”
13. Malcolm Marshall & David Boon
    Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times.
    Marshall: “Now, David, are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?”
14. Fred Trueman & Raman Subba Row
    Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and right between Raman Subba Row’s legs.
    Fred doesn’t say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly
    “I should’ve kept my legs together, Fred.”
    “So should your mother,” he replied.

The In Dipper on Twitter

A rather forlorn effort to get up to speed with the latest technology it may be, but you can also now follow the In Dipper on Twitter at: www.twitter.com/theindipper

And for those who care, it appears that Tim Bresnan has joined the ranks of current England team players on Twitter. And this seems bonafide.

So we now have three in total including Swann and Anderson.

Are SA on the way down?

So the Saffers go into the test series with England as the number one test side in the world.

Though I can’t help wonder whether this team is on the down rather than the up. I’m not so sure but certainly there are signs for concern for them.

First of all, the bowling attack has not progressed since 2008′s convincing victory in England. Ntini is not getting any younger, and Morne Morkel has stagnated as a bowler and Parnell seems to have moved ahead of him. Steyn appears to be a continuous danger but I wonder whether his constant pounding in the shorter form of the game has somewhat shattered his aura a little.

Rolled into this is the currently injured Jacques Kallis, whose contribution as a fifth bowler has been critical in allowing SA to operate a four man specialist attack (and consequently an ultra strong batting line-up). So you have, all of a sudden, a rather unsettled bowling unit. The shortages are perhaps best illustrated by the recall of Charl Langevelt to the one-day squad. The man looks like a 50 year old butcher.

I also wonder whether South Africa may have missed a trick with their batting line-up. Their top-six seemed pretty fauntless in their last tour to England, with all six (MacKensie, Smith, Amla, Kallis, Prince, De Villiers) scoring bucket loads. However, since then it seems that Prince (who averaged 75 against England) has been usurped by Duminy, MacKensie appears out favour and Kallis is more and more injury prone.

Perhaps more telling is the fact that South Africa has not played a test match for over 9 months, the third test match against the Oz. England have played 7 test matches since SA beat Australia in Cape Town.

All this makes me think that South Africa will go into the first test seriously under-cooked.

One thing we do know however, is that Smith always seems to raise his game against England. I genuinely don’t like the man but admit that I am a bit envious, given that at only 28, he has already played 77 tests averaging over 50.

So here’s my estimation for the SA team for the first test:

• Smith
• Prince
• Amla
• Kallis
• De Villiers
• Duminy
• Boucher
• Harris
• Steyn
• Ntini
• Parnell

Tough test choices await Flower and Strauss

It has been a while since my last post, but with a test series around the corner, it is time to get back into the swing.

There’s been a lot of cricket since August, most of it of the pyjama variety, and despite England oscillating between the inspired and the idiotic, here are the key conclusions of the past few months and a few thoughts going into the test series with South Africa.

1. England has a new star performer, Eoin Morgan. I’d like to say thank you to Eoin for being the first England one day player in probably 10 years that has made quality oppo scratch their heads and look clueless. Morgan is not in the test squad but if he goes on to dismantle the SA attack in the one-dayers starting tomorrow (hopefully) then selectors must be thinking about him as first choice replacement in the very likely event that we have injuries to the test batting line-up. As selectors, you can try and draw an imaginary line between the impact of a player in one-dayers and in tests. But if Morgan keeps hitting the likes of Dale Steyn no only out of the ground but out of the local postal code area, then that’ll be a temptation hard to resist for the series to come.

2. England lack a quality bowling unit. Anderson, and Broad have hardly set the world on fire since the Ashes. The pace support for them in the test squad is pretty brittle with Sidey, Plunks, and Onions. Anderson was positively wretched on the last tour to SA, which suggests the conditions don’t necessarily suit him. I can’t see Sidey being fit enough to make an impact and the others are untested in SA. But I am going to be optimistic. I think Broad is going to take another step forward and I like Onions as first change (one of the ICC test performers of the year of course). I also think Plunks is going to make an impact and his often effective batting helps in what could be a long English tail.

3. The Bell question continues to haunt England. Bell continues to talk a good game, sort of. His recent interview in the Telegraph had me in fits. Am I mad or does Bell do this exact interview about being “on the point of greatness” every 10 tests or so. It is a little like listening to a 20 a day chain smoker endlessly talking about being on the point of quitting. In your heart, you know it won’t happen.

4. England suddenly have their strongest batting unit since 2005. Regarding the batting, the key question now for the selectors is the order and of course whether to go for 5 specialist bats or 6. I think they will keep Prior as the allrounder and stick with 5 bats. I also think have already pencilled in Trott at 3, with Pietersen, Collingwood, and Prior making up the numbers. I think Collingwood, a predominantly back foot player, is a good choice for the hard and bouncy SA pitches. My fear is that his troubling back with cost him his series, and then a certain underachiever from Warks will be drafted in as a replacement.

There is a lot that can happen in the weeks before the 1st test in centurion on December 16th but I’m predicting this line up:

• Strauss
• Cook
• Trott
• Pietersen
• Collingwood
• Prior
• Broad
• Swann
• Plunkett
• Anderson
• Onions

Trott shows value of county game

Recent comments to a previous post have got me thinking about the state of the England game and whether we should resign ourselves to the fact that this squad is the “best that county cricket can offer”. 

County cricket is often used as the scapegoat for England’s troubled performances, blamed for not producing the hardened cricketers like its Australian equivalent. At the same time old Aussie pros (Langer, Hayden etc.) don’t stop telling us how strong county cricket is and how crucial it was in their own development. 

My hypothesis is that a great modern failing of England’s selectors is not recognising the value of county cricket in crafting a player’s skills.  

Lets have a look at all the triumphant England players from this year’s Ashes by examining the numbers of years each have played first class cricket before their England debut (for the Saffers in the side, I accept that some of this first class cricket may not have been in the English county game). We’ll take the difference between first class debut and England test debut:

1. Swann 10 years
2. Trott 9 years
3. Pietersen 8 years
4. Collingwood 7 years*
5. Prior 6 years*
6. Strauss 6 years*
7. Harmison 6 years*
8. Bopara 5 years*
9. Bell 5 years*
10. Onions 5 years
11. Panesar 5 years
12. Cook 3 years
13. Flintoff 3 years
14. Broad 2 years
15. Anderson 1 year*

*Does not include spells back in county cricket having been dropped

Whilst I appreciate that this is a significant generalisation, I would argue that based on this crude analysis, England’s highest performing players in the last 18 months or so were generally the ones that have spent the more extended spells in county cricket.

For me the microcosm of this was Trott, who came from nowhere (an unknown before Test selection) to produce arguably the greatest England debut performance of all time. Incidentally, he’d had 9 years first class cricket (six of which were for Middlesex in county cricket).

My conclusion is that there are genuine world class county performers out there, players that are honing their skills and are up there with the likes of Pietersen, Strauss, Swann and Prior. They just need to be found. Here are a few in my view:

1. Michael Carberry, 8 years, the best fielder in the county, a 2009 county average of 70 at the top of the order. It is almost scandalous to put Cook as a shoe-in when Carberry is around
2. Liam Plunkett, 6 years, played nine tests for England after just 2 years in county cricket and surprise, surprise, he didn’t last and is now out of the test picture
3. Joe Denly, 5 years, still early in his career and may be too soon for England’s test squad, but an awesome talent in the making
4. Luke Wright, 6 years, could develop into a genuine number six, on reflection maybe a little early for the South Africa tour, but a real talent
5. Tim Bresnan, 6 years, seems to have been completely over looked for the England test squad since a solid debut against the Windies, but England should persevere with him
6. James Tredwell, 8 years, in my view a superior prospect to Rashid and increasinglyPanesar, but has gone unnoticed due to steady unspectacular  progess. He’ll start making more waves in the next two seasons in my view. At only 27 years old he has time.

England: rising star or false dawn?

Whilst England will be buoyant, it is not difficult to argue that this is even more of a false dawn that 2005. Let’s think about the state of each team after the respective series wins.

England’s 2005 side was as equally “young” as today’s team. Of that squad none were evidently approaching the twilight of their careers, perhaps with the exception of Giles. So why did that team not go on to greater things? A number of reasons seem apparent:

• Long-term/recurring injuries to Vaughan, Simon Jones, Harmison and Flintoff,
• Retirement of perhaps the key player of the England team in that golden period, namely Trescothick,
• Drops in form for the likes of Geraint Jones, Strauss and Hoggard,
• Lack of evident progress from the new guard in that series namely Bell and Collingwood.

All these factors served to check England’s development into the best side in the world. In fact the only player from that 2005 winning side that showed any sort of upward curve in their careers has been Pietersen.

So will the 2009 side have a similar fate, especially given the widely held belief that they are not as acomplished as the 2005 side? My head says yes.

Basically winning at the Oval will mean that England will continue to have excess flab in their side, which, for my money, accounts for almost half the team. The flab is of course Bell, Harmison, Anderson, Collingwood and some would argue Cook. It is my firmly held belief that England have no future as the number one team in the world with these players.

Anderson’s supposed career renaissance was proved a false one at Headingley and the Oval. We all know the damage he can cause when the conditions are in his favour, but unfortunately about 70% of England’s test cricket does not take place in England in the late spring /early summer. He’s a rubbish tourist and England simply won’t win in South Africa or Australia the following winter with Anderson leading the attack, let alone with Harmison backing him up.

Bell and Collingwood’s places look increasingly in jeopardy with Trott’s performance thank God. But I fear Bell will survive and Collingwood will tour, creating unnecessarily pressure on Trott who won’t be given time to settle in.

The main positive for England is Flintoff’s retirement, which will remove a severe obstacle to dressing room unity and end a disruptive influence for England’s selectors.

Finally, great that winning the Ashes is, I feel a little unfulfilled by England’s victory. This is probably because I’m a stats man. I don’t think anyone in the England team has put in a convincing performance, apart from Strauss. Broad has stagnated apart from one spell of brilliance, which masks his real value to the side. Anderson has proved he is a one shop pony. With Trott it is far too early to judge.

All-in-all there is nothing from this Ashes summer that suggests that England will challenge South Africa this winter. In fact no one born in England scored a century in the entire series.

The new order for England in South Africa

Let’s look beyond the Oval for a second. I’ve been pondering the team I’d ideally like to see line-up against South Africa in the winter.

I’m all for a complete tear-up of the side specifically the middle order.  Bell, Bops and Colly simply are not going to provide a successful future for England. Colly is honest and has backbone, but that’s simply not enough for me. It is time for a fresh approach.

The first step would be for England to abandon their misguided obsession with having 5 bowlers. If 4 can’t do the job then you don’t deserve to win. My view is that having 5 also takes away responsibility on each bowler, and breeds indiscipline. So that moves the wicketkeeper to bat at 7, like in the good old days.

I’m not going to justify any of the individual selections below, but how about this for a new order for England (I’d actually keep Bopara in the side, I must be insane).

1. Strauss
2. Cook
3. Pietersen
4. Trott
5. Bopara
6. Wright
7. Prior
8. Broad
9. Swann
10. Anderson
11. Onions

Talk of Tresco and Ramps is pure make believe

Today the Somerset Chief Executive, suggested that Tresco could be talked out of international retirement. Earlier this week ex-players were clambering over the Ramps for the Oval story.

Hell why not bring Botham back for the Oval. He may have put on a bit but class is permanent isn’t it. In fact, let’s simply play the 1981 side instead of the current England team. Maybe Dickie Bird could umpire?

Has everyone gone slightly mad. THESE PLAYERS HAVE RETIRED!!! There is absolutely zero sense and possibility in harking back to past glories (or past missed opportunities in Ramps’ case).

Why on earth would England consider making such a short term downright stupid selection as Ramps after one dodgy test match for the England batting line-up? If anything Bopara is the new Ramps anyway (all the talent in the world with zero mental fortitude).

England one change for the Oval, Fred for Harmie, and that’s it.