Foul mouthed cricketers extend beyond the off microphone mutterings of Boycott in the commentary box. In fact, x-rated sledging on the field has been part of the game for many years.
Its 1 December today and the start of advent. So here are Santa’s top sledges of all time courtesy of David Floyd via Andrew Bryson. Thanks chaps!
Rod Marsh & Ian Botham: When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words:
“So how’s your wife & my kids?” the reply from Botham was “my wife’s fine, your kids are retarded”.
Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne: As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him.
“Looks like you spent it eating,” Cullinan retorted.
Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes): “Hey Eddo, why are you so f***ing fat?”
Eddo Brandes: “Because every time I f*** your mother, she throws me a biscuit.”
Robin Smith & Merv Hughes: During 1989 Lords Test, Hughes said to Smith after he played & missed: “You can’t f**king bat.”
Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary: “Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can’t f**king bat & you can’t f**king bowl.”
Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad: During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor.
A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed. “Tickets please,” Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.
Merv Hughes & Viv Richards: During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn’t say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries.
“This is my island, my culture. Don’t you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl.”
Merv didn’t reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: “In my culture we just say f**k off.”
Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga: And of course you can’t forget Ian Healy’s legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one-dayer in Sydney: “You don’t get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat c**t!”
James Ormond & Mark Waugh Ormand had just come out to bat on an Ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh.
Mark Waugh: “F*ck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here? There’s no way you’re good enough to play for England.”
James Ormond: “Maybe not, but at least I’m the best player in my family.”
Glenn McGrath & Ramnaresh Sarwan McGrath to Sarwan: “So what does Brian Lara’s d*ck taste like?”
Sarwan: “I don’t know. Ask your wife.”
McGrath (losing it): “If you ever f**king mention my wife again, I’ll f***ing rip your f***ing throat out!”
Mark Waugh & Adam Parore Waugh standing at second slip, the new player (Parore) comes to the crease playing & missing the first ball.
Mark: “Oh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia. You were sh*t then, you’re fu*king useless now.”
Parore (turning around): “Yeah, that’s me. And when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly slut.
And now I hear you’ve married her, you dumb c*nt!”
Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim.
Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, “Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it.”
Ravi Shastri vs the Aussie 12th man (don’t remember who, and don’t want to slander anyone) Shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a single.
This guy gets the ball in and says, “If you leave the crease I’ll break your f***ing head.”
Shastri: “If you could bat as well as you can talk you wouldn’t be the f***ing 12th man.”
Malcolm Marshall & David Boon Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times.
Marshall: “Now, David, are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?”
Fred Trueman & Raman Subba Row Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, and right between Raman Subba Row’s legs.
Fred doesn’t say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly
“I should’ve kept my legs together, Fred.”
“So should your mother,” he replied.
A rather forlorn effort to get up to speed with the latest technology it may be, but you can also now follow the In Dipper on Twitter at: www.twitter.com/theindipper
And for those who care, it appears that Tim Bresnan has joined the ranks of current England team players on Twitter. And this seems bonafide.
So we now have three in total including Swann and Anderson.
So the Saffers go into the test series with England as the number one test side in the world.
Though I can’t help wonder whether this team is on the down rather than the up. I’m not so sure but certainly there are signs for concern for them.
First of all, the bowling attack has not progressed since 2008’s convincing victory in England. Ntini is not getting any younger, and Morne Morkel has stagnated as a bowler and Parnell seems to have moved ahead of him. Steyn appears to be a continuous danger but I wonder whether his constant pounding in the shorter form of the game has somewhat shattered his aura a little.
Rolled into this is the currently injured Jacques Kallis, whose contribution as a fifth bowler has been critical in allowing SA to operate a four man specialist attack (and consequently an ultra strong batting line-up). So you have, all of a sudden, a rather unsettled bowling unit. The shortages are perhaps best illustrated by the recall of Charl Langevelt to the one-day squad. The man looks like a 50 year old butcher.
I also wonder whether South Africa may have missed a trick with their batting line-up. Their top-six seemed pretty fauntless in their last tour to England, with all six (MacKensie, Smith, Amla, Kallis, Prince, De Villiers) scoring bucket loads. However, since then it seems that Prince (who averaged 75 against England) has been usurped by Duminy, MacKensie appears out favour and Kallis is more and more injury prone.
Perhaps more telling is the fact that South Africa has not played a test match for over 9 months, the third test match against the Oz. England have played 7 test matches since SA beat Australia in Cape Town.
All this makes me think that South Africa will go into the first test seriously under-cooked.
One thing we do know however, is that Smith always seems to raise his game against England. I genuinely don’t like the man but admit that I am a bit envious, given that at only 28, he has already played 77 tests averaging over 50.
So here’s my estimation for the SA team for the first test:
It has been a while since my last post, but with a test series around the corner, it is time to get back into the swing.
There’s been a lot of cricket since August, most of it of the pyjama variety, and despite England oscillating between the inspired and the idiotic, here are the key conclusions of the past few months and a few thoughts going into the test series with South Africa.
1. England has a new star performer, Eoin Morgan. I’d like to say thank you to Eoin for being the first England one day player in probably 10 years that has made quality oppo scratch their heads and look clueless. Morgan is not in the test squad but if he goes on to dismantle the SA attack in the one-dayers starting tomorrow (hopefully) then selectors must be thinking about him as first choice replacement in the very likely event that we have injuries to the test batting line-up. As selectors, you can try and draw an imaginary line between the impact of a player in one-dayers and in tests. But if Morgan keeps hitting the likes of Dale Steyn no only out of the ground but out of the local postal code area, then that’ll be a temptation hard to resist for the series to come.
2. England lack a quality bowling unit. Anderson, and Broad have hardly set the world on fire since the Ashes. The pace support for them in the test squad is pretty brittle with Sidey, Plunks, and Onions. Anderson was positively wretched on the last tour to SA, which suggests the conditions don’t necessarily suit him. I can’t see Sidey being fit enough to make an impact and the others are untested in SA. But I am going to be optimistic. I think Broad is going to take another step forward and I like Onions as first change (one of the ICC test performers of the year of course). I also think Plunks is going to make an impact and his often effective batting helps in what could be a long English tail.
3. The Bell question continues to haunt England. Bell continues to talk a good game, sort of. His recent interview in the Telegraph had me in fits. Am I mad or does Bell do this exact interview about being “on the point of greatness” every 10 tests or so. It is a little like listening to a 20 a day chain smoker endlessly talking about being on the point of quitting. In your heart, you know it won’t happen.
4. England suddenly have their strongest batting unit since 2005. Regarding the batting, the key question now for the selectors is the order and of course whether to go for 5 specialist bats or 6. I think they will keep Prior as the allrounder and stick with 5 bats. I also think have already pencilled in Trott at 3, with Pietersen, Collingwood, and Prior making up the numbers. I think Collingwood, a predominantly back foot player, is a good choice for the hard and bouncy SA pitches. My fear is that his troubling back with cost him his series, and then a certain underachiever from Warks will be drafted in as a replacement.
There is a lot that can happen in the weeks before the 1st test in centurion on December 16th but I’m predicting this line up:
Recent comments to a previous post have got me thinking about the state of the England game and whether we should resign ourselves to the fact that this squad is the “best that county cricket can offer”.
County cricket is often used as the scapegoat for England’s troubled performances, blamed for not producing the hardened cricketers like its Australian equivalent. At the same time old Aussie pros (Langer, Hayden etc.) don’t stop telling us how strong county cricket is and how crucial it was in their own development.
My hypothesis is that a great modern failing of England’s selectors is not recognising the value of county cricket in crafting a player’s skills.
Lets have a look at all the triumphant England players from this year’s Ashes by examining the numbers of years each have played first class cricket before their England debut (for the Saffers in the side, I accept that some of this first class cricket may not have been in the English county game). We’ll take the difference between first class debut and England test debut:
Swann 10 years
Trott 9 years
Pietersen 8 years
Collingwood 7 years*
Prior 6 years*
Strauss 6 years*
Harmison 6 years*
Bopara 5 years*
Bell 5 years*
Onions 5 years
Panesar 5 years
Cook 3 years
Flintoff 3 years
Broad 2 years
Anderson 1 year*
*Does not include spells back in county cricket having been dropped
Whilst I appreciate that this is a significant generalisation, I would argue that based on this crude analysis, England’s highest performing players in the last 18 months or so were generally the ones that have spent the more extended spells in county cricket.
For me the microcosm of this was Trott, who came from nowhere (an unknown before Test selection) to produce arguably the greatest England debut performance of all time. Incidentally, he’d had 9 years first class cricket (six of which were for Middlesex in county cricket).
My conclusion is that there are genuine world class county performers out there, players that are honing their skills and are up there with the likes of Pietersen, Strauss, Swann and Prior. They just need to be found. Here are a few in my view:
Michael Carberry, 8 years, the best fielder in the county, a 2009 county average of 70 at the top of the order. It is almost scandalous to put Cook as a shoe-in when Carberry is around
Liam Plunkett, 6 years, played nine tests for England after just 2 years in county cricket and surprise, surprise, he didn’t last and is now out of the test picture
Joe Denly, 5 years, still early in his career and may be too soon for England’s test squad, but an awesome talent in the making
Luke Wright, 6 years, could develop into a genuine number six, on reflection maybe a little early for the South Africa tour, but a real talent
Tim Bresnan, 6 years, seems to have been completely over looked for the England test squad since a solid debut against the Windies, but England should persevere with him
James Tredwell, 8 years, in my view a superior prospect to Rashid and increasinglyPanesar, but has gone unnoticed due to steady unspectacular progess. He’ll start making more waves in the next two seasons in my view. At only 27 years old he has time.
Whilst England will be buoyant, it is not difficult to argue that this is even more of a false dawn that 2005. Let’s think about the state of each team after the respective series wins.
England’s 2005 side was as equally “young” as today’s team. Of that squad none were evidently approaching the twilight of their careers, perhaps with the exception of Giles. So why did that team not go on to greater things? A number of reasons seem apparent:
Long-term/recurring injuries to Vaughan, Simon Jones, Harmison and Flintoff,
Retirement of perhaps the key player of the England team in that golden period, namely Trescothick,
Drops in form for the likes of Geraint Jones, Strauss and Hoggard,
Lack of evident progress from the new guard in that series namely Bell and Collingwood.
All these factors served to check England’s development into the best side in the world. In fact the only player from that 2005 winning side that showed any sort of upward curve in their careers has been Pietersen.
So will the 2009 side have a similar fate, especially given the widely held belief that they are not as acomplished as the 2005 side? My head says yes.
Basically winning at the Oval will mean that England will continue to have excess flab in their side, which, for my money, accounts for almost half the team. The flab is of course Bell, Harmison, Anderson, Collingwood and some would argue Cook. It is my firmly held belief that England have no future as the number one team in the world with these players.
Anderson’s supposed career renaissance was proved a false one at Headingley and the Oval. We all know the damage he can cause when the conditions are in his favour, but unfortunately about 70% of England’s test cricket does not take place in England in the late spring /early summer. He’s a rubbish tourist and England simply won’t win in South Africa or Australia the following winter with Anderson leading the attack, let alone with Harmison backing him up.
Bell and Collingwood’s places look increasingly in jeopardy with Trott’s performance thank God. But I fear Bell will survive and Collingwood will tour, creating unnecessarily pressure on Trott who won’t be given time to settle in.
The main positive for England is Flintoff’s retirement, which will remove a severe obstacle to dressing room unity and end a disruptive influence for England’s selectors.
Finally, great that winning the Ashes is, I feel a little unfulfilled by England’s victory. This is probably because I’m a stats man. I don’t think anyone in the England team has put in a convincing performance, apart from Strauss. Broad has stagnated apart from one spell of brilliance, which masks his real value to the side. Anderson has proved he is a one shop pony. With Trott it is far too early to judge.
All-in-all there is nothing from this Ashes summer that suggests that England will challenge South Africa this winter. In fact no one born in England scored a century in the entire series.
Let’s look beyond the Oval for a second. I’ve been pondering the team I’d ideally like to see line-up against South Africa in the winter.
I’m all for a complete tear-up of the side specifically the middle order. Bell, Bops and Colly simply are not going to provide a successful future for England. Colly is honest and has backbone, but that’s simply not enough for me. It is time for a fresh approach.
The first step would be for England to abandon their misguided obsession with having 5 bowlers. If 4 can’t do the job then you don’t deserve to win. My view is that having 5 also takes away responsibility on each bowler, and breeds indiscipline. So that moves the wicketkeeper to bat at 7, like in the good old days.
I’m not going to justify any of the individual selections below, but how about this for a new order for England (I’d actually keep Bopara in the side, I must be insane).
Hell why not bring Botham back for the Oval. He may have put on a bit but class is permanent isn’t it. In fact, let’s simply play the 1981 side instead of the current England team. Maybe Dickie Bird could umpire?
Has everyone gone slightly mad. THESE PLAYERS HAVE RETIRED!!! There is absolutely zero sense and possibility in harking back to past glories (or past missed opportunities in Ramps’ case).
Why on earth would England consider making such a short term downright stupid selection as Ramps after one dodgy test match for the England batting line-up? If anything Bopara is the new Ramps anyway (all the talent in the world with zero mental fortitude).
England one change for the Oval, Fred for Harmie, and that’s it.
England will lose the 4th test by lunchtime tomorrow. By the afternoon England’s selectors will be taking long hard looks in the mirror.
The performance by the team, the captain, the tacticians and the coaches has been a disgrace this last two days. And it would be easy to point fingers at the hapless Bopara, Bell, Harmison, Anderson and indeed Strauss.
The temptation will be for England to make wholesale changes for the Oval test. The most exposed are of course Bopara and Harmison who will act as the scapegoats for the defeat in the press over the next few days. I fully expect Athers to yet again launch a stinging attack on Harmie in his column.
There appear to be 8 options to resolving the Bopara, Harmison places in the side (5 for Bops, 3 for Harmie):
The Common Sense Option – Play Rob Key, who has the experience, the composure, and the game to play at 3 in a must win test for England.
The Straight Bat Option – Play Trott at 3 and drop Bops. Trott is currently the next in line and has batted at 3 for Warwickshire this season.
The Coward’s Option – Move Bopara down the order to five to take a bit of pressure of him, and shift Bell up to three and Colly to four.
The Stupid Option – drop Bopara for Trott, but move Bell into the number 3 spot, with (probably) Trott brought into at number 5 and Collingwood moved to number 4.
The Brave Man’s Option – Keep Bopara at number 3 and give him one final chance to make a name for himself in this series.
The Desired Option – replace Harmison with a fit Flintoff. Assuming a further cortisone injection will be permitted on Fred’s knee by the fifth test, then that would seem likely. The remaining two options are premised on Fred being crock:
The Seemingly Obvious but Probably Stupid Option - replace Harmison with Sidebottom. We must remember that Harmison traditionally bowls well at the hard and bouncy Oval. Last year against South Africa he made a sterling comeback (one of the 57 comebacks that he has made in his career) and made a difference.
The Lunatic Option – don’t drop Harmison.
So in short, England have a lot of options, but none are easy or obvious choices to make.
My conclusion is a mixture of the insane and stupid - let’s keep the same team for the Oval. Let’s give this bunch of flaky misfits one last stab at Ashes glory. If they fail, then so be it. And let’s build a new team in the autumn, not now.
“There is no more humble person than the Australian skipper…
Among his peers the respect for him is immense and behind the scowl which adorns the face of many champion sportsmen, ‘Punter’ is a generous and loving family man who has gone the full circle from tough street fighter to consummate professional and ambassador for the game of cricket.”
I have always felt that the reputation Ponting has carried with him, especially on these UK shores, is unjustified.
His reputation has been essentially soldified when he was run out by a direct hit from sub fielder Gary Prattby. The take-out of his subsequent rant at Fletcher was that the real pratt in this episode was Ponting, who simply couldn’t deal with his dismissial (which was a critical one in the match).
No one has actually asked whether the real pratt in this story was Fletcher himself. One only has to read the content of his column in the Guardian to see that this man is as bitter and spiteful as they come.
Aside from the one blip in 2005, Ponting has not just been a model professional, he has surpassed what one expects of a test captain. So far this summer, he has been the first to congratulate Strauss & co in the Long Room after their Lord’s victory, he has been suitably respectful to the retiring Fred, and has backed his own players to the hilt, especially the struggling Johnson.
There are two anectotal pieces of evidence that I would leave that suggest that Punter is far from the monster he is portrayed to be:
1. The last three Ashes series (including the current) have been marked by a high degree of socialising amongst the England and Australia players. The level to which players interact with each other in any given series is set by the captain’s example (and reached an “unhealthly” level when Fred was captain in 2006-7). If Punter was such a monster surely the last thing he’d want to do was have a friendly beer with his opposition after the game.
2. This is reinforced by what I heard during my time in Australia. There is a bar in central Sydney which is a known hang out for Oz cricketers during the December test matches. A couple backpacker friends of mine visited the bar and tried to chat to some of the baggy green players. Whilst most gave them the cold shoulder, Punter himself was by far the most friendly and was happy to have a beer and talk cricket. This I heard from a number of others.
In short Punter is not a monster. He is a true gent off the pitch and a fierce competitor on it.
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